31 July 2004
Week Three
I don’t know what it is about Tuesdays. Every week, I have had an awful Tuesday and this week was no exception. I hit my lowest point so far this course in the middle of this week. It started when we had another full day of diversity where this time we were fortunate enough to actually meet some people who aren’t white, straight, Christians! Clearly it was felt that we hadn’t come across such diversity in our lives before. The day went against everything the diversity training was trying to achieve and everything that myself and everyone in my class had done all our lives, which was not to see people’s colour and sexuality and just see them as an individual. Sitting for 8 hours, listening to the Gay group, the African Caribbean group etc. (not putting them in to boxes at all then) tell me how us police officers need to stop seeing them as a separate group and see them for who they really are rubbed all of us up the wrong way to say the least and actually damaged morale as we all went home that day feeling drained and depressed about everything. The feedback forms well reflected this so I hope it will be noted for future courses.
We then had a PE lesson. Given that we have no free time at all to do any exercise, which I am really hating as it makes me feel really unhealthy, I was looking forward to it, so you can imagine my annoyance when we basically had a one and a half hour session where we were told we were lazy and why on earth weren’t we keeping fit as it is good for you and stuff! Hmm, we’d all give our left arm to have time to go for a run at the moment. Next week, I will take the study guide to the PE department which lays out how we are supposed to fit in 30 hours of study on top of our 40 hour week. The study guide already doesn’t allow for eating and a full night’s sleep so once the PE staff have told me where I should fit in exercising, I’ll get jogging!
After that, I was elected as one of two class captains in our class and initially I was very flattered (and surprised) until I realised how much extra responsibility we both now have. I sat through a half an hour meeting in my lunch hour on Tuesday as class captain representative and basically got shouted at for various things, none of which were things that I had done or even our class had been associated with and this was probably the thing that really tipped me over the edge. When you are already under the kind of stress that we are, you just don’t need that as well. It happens quite a lot and after a good old chat with an ex-army chap from my class, I have decided to basically just ignore it. I am not sure why they make things harder than they need to be sometimes but I expect it is all part of the toughening up process. I think basically, what is becoming clear to us is that getting through Hendon is all about playing the game and this sometimes goes against everything you have been taught in life up to now but that’s just the way it is for the next 15 weeks. I’m all for toughening up but I’d like to still be human at the end of this course.
The dynamics within the group have been difficult this week as well and this has led to a lot of people in the team being quite upset. It is classic psychology really of what happens when you put 20 people together that live and breathe together 24 hrs a day in an incredibly stressful environment. Initially we all loved each other, now, by the end of week three, the cracks are appearing and naturally, not everyone likes everyone else. Everything is intensified emotion wise so there has been a bit of snapping, looking after no. 1 etc this week and particularly as one of our roles as class captains is to keep the class together, I have found it really tough this week. I am not at all surprised with how the group are at the moment and I fully expect us to probably have a big row and then start loving each other again.
It’s not all bad though and at times, we are all having a great laugh and I have still made some friendships in this class that will last forever and I am very grateful that I have been fortunate enough to go through this very difficult experience with some great people.
On a positive note, I am doing fine with the work. It took me a while to get used to the fact that all we can do in the evening is work but I actually look forward to the exams each week (yes, I am the only one) as in a sick and twisted way, I love exams, I always have, I don’t know why. This week’s I feel went well as well, I got 88% last week and the pass rate is 70% so I was pleased with that. Hopefully this week, I will be around about that figure as well. I would like to aim for 90% ideally as we get a little note in our binders which follow us through our entire career if we achieve that. Sad really but in an environment of little praise, you have to hang on to the little things.
My strengths and weaknesses are becoming clearer through the course as well. It’s tough dealing with this sometimes but it is good as well as I need to become stronger in certain areas. I think the intellectual side of things I am fine with, the practicals, however, I find a little harder as I have never been comfortable speaking in front of big groups and I really need to get over it. It will get better and I just need to keep practising until it becomes second nature and I lose my fear of embarrassing myself in front of the group when I forget the order of arresting someone and the words of the caution.
The bad news is that I just haven’t had a chance to get a photo done this week, my apologies, I will endeavour to get one done next week and post it next weekend. It still feels very strange wearing the uniform and all very surreal, I don’t think it has really sunk in at all that I am going to be out on the streets arresting people in just over 15 weeks (that thing about having to loads of paperwork? No myth, the arrest books (IRB’s) take forever to fill out!).
Every 5 weeks there is a passing out parade for the top dog intake. This Friday was the red intake’s passing out parade. I have to say, I got quite emotional, they looked amazing in their parade uniform and whilst we weren’t really allowed to watch the parade, you could feel the relief, pride, honour of all those that had made it through this very tough course. I hope to be there in just less than 15 weeks myself and I know all this hard work will pay off in the end. I really enjoy marching when it comes together (some of us have been marching around with the purple intake and it looks and feels shit hot), so if the few people in our group with two left feet can nail it, it will be an amazing experience.
So, it’s been a very hard week and I really hope next week is better as I am not sure I could take another week like this, as there’s still stuff to deal with in my flat when I get home at the weekend so I hope to get 10 mins or so to relax next week. I know there will be ups and downs through the course, this was a down, I will very much appreciate the next up and as this week ended on a reasonably good day, I am hoping the beginning of an up is here.
Still hairy, saggy eyed, chubby and wrinkly, in case anyone was wondering, but I am surviving! Miss all of you lots and I wish I could see and talk to you all and find out what is going on outside of Hendon world but please bear with me for 15 more weeks and I’ll be back.
Signing off, more from me next week…
